My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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