Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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