He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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