I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
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