the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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