He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
