Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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