New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
