Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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