Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
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Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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