I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Small penises have feelings too.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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