i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
