it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
