I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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