Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
is wine microwaveable?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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