Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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