Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
