this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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