i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
