he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
