Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
