Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
