I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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