If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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