I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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