If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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