my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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