I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
