I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
