I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
