I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
