Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
