You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
