He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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