tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
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