Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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