There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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