Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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