You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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