I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
