Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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