Someone shit on the floor
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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