I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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