there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
