there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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