alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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