I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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