you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
