Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
