She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
