He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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