It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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