1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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