dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
