Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I can't turn off my feet"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
